Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Wednesday Confessions

Thrilled to see the linkup running again

More Coffee Less Talky

I can't wait to see Mockingjay part 2 and Starwars

I haven't been blogging very much because honestly whats been going on is a shit ton of drama and who wants to read that.

I am not looking forward to the Holidays this year because of the aforementioned metric shit ton of drama.

I'm sick of hearing people bitch about this years Holiday cup at Starbucks - for fucks sake people its a damn cup as long as my coffees in it I don't care. News flash not everyone's a *gasp, clutch your peals* Christian!

If Donald Trumps elected I'm seriously considering a 4 year visa to Canada.

I CAN NOT wait until Alice in Wonderland 2: Through the Looking Glass comes out. This is my FAVORITE "fairy-tail" though I must confess its not the traditional story that I love its the dark telling.  I adore twisted fairy tails.

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Tuesday, November 03, 2015

Facebook Review Your memories

This hit my facebook feed this morning - Sometimes reviewing your memories is like getting punched all over again..

I lost my dad September 27, 2009. We knew it was coming and we knew it would be quickly. It was 4 weeks from when we were told he had end stage liver cancer to the day I held his hand as he took his last ragged breath and passed over.

My dad and I always had a complicated relationship. He was my dad and I loved him, but there were times when he and I just could not see eye to eye on anything - ever. There were things that had been said when I was a teenager that I was still holding on to rather tightly and forgiveness was a word I had no concept of.

Then things got rough for him about 2 weeks into his illness. The cancer spread quick and fast. It was now in his pancreas and all the lymph nodes under his arms. The things I was holding on to for dear life were no longer important. My daddy was quickly dying in front of my very eyes.

I came to realize that some of the harsh things he had spoken to me as a young teen mother were not because he didn't have faith in me or believe in me, it was simply his way of pushing me along. Years of practice had taught him that as soon as you told me I couldn't achieve something I did simply to say "your wrong - see i did it".

That realization hit me as I looked down at my father in a casket and the tears and the anger flowed freely. Yes anger, I was and am pissed at the world because he is gone - My daddy was supposed to always be there - he wasn't supposed to leave. All daddies are supposed to always be there. I know thats not a fair statement - but ask me if I care, ask any daughter if they care - thats just how its supposed to be!

I also realized that some of the wrong decision he had made at certain times in my life - designed purely to be life lessons and his way of making me even more self reliant he was sorry for when they turned out to be the very worst possible time to try to employ this line of thinking, he strove to fix them. My stubbornness only saw the "being dropped on my ass, and even worse things happening" so I sat out to be angry about that. I didn't see that at the time, only the horrible situation I had been left in and helped too late. Daddy I'm sorry.

I feel privileged that at the end I was who my dad asked for, and frequently. I went every single time. I hugged him, I kissed his head I told him I loved him as much as possible. I helped him drink water when he was to weak to get the cup. I feel blessed that I was the one he asked help from. Even though I know it took some of his pride.

One night at 4:30 in the morning I received a call that I need to come quickly my dad had fallen and mom was unable to get him up on her own. I know as a man and a father that was simply horrible for him. I know it took my breath away to see my once strong and vibrant father on the floor and unable to move.

At one point during this journey, I asked my best friend of 20 years "how do you say goodbye to a man who was always larger than life?" His answer came quickly - "you kiss him goodbye and remember him how he was."

So on Sunday, September 27 when I stopped by my parents house and we knew it was our last day. I held his hand and spoke to him, he was unconscious but hospice assured us he knew we were there and could hear. I kissed him told him that I always loved him and would forever more and that it was ok to follow the Angel, I didn't want him to hurt. I stroked his hand and stood there, remembering the man who fixed my broken toys, kissed my boo-boos and even grounded me for my own good.

He took his last breath and went peacefully with the Angel at 3:45 pm, he was always so punctual. I stood there for a long time and remembered the man he had always been....

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Thursday, October 08, 2015

A Light Bulb Moment

Remember this scene from Erin Brokovich were Ed fires her:

Ed Masry: [explaining his reason for removing Erin from his office] Now, look Erin, this incident aside, I don't think this is the right place for you. So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on your behalf; find you something else, okay?
Erin Brockovich: [angrily] Don't bother!
Ed Masry: Come on! I'm trying to help here...
[Erin storms out of his office]

I was in the middle of a conversation last night with my Twin when she stopped me and said, you realize that you spend a lot of your time down playing how you feel about things so people won't feel bad that they did something wrong to you or hurt your feelings??

My entire life I have done that, I have done it to avoid conflict, I have done it to resolve a situation as soon as possible so that everyone involved can get back to being happy and over what ever it was that happened. I then go deal with my issues alone in private. I have been conditioned to insure that everyone is as happy and comfortable as possible, even at the cost of my own well being.  A "skill" taught to me as a young child as I was made "in charge" of happiness and well being - for everyone else.

 Well fuck if I'll help you do that anymore. I have spent most of my life being the "fixer" and never looking at the price tag to my personal well being. Its not my job to look the other way so that everyone else's happiness is maintained and my own is hanging in the breeze.  I refuse to ignore my own needs anymore. I get that will be breaking a pattern that was established at a very early age which is bound to ruffle more than a few feathers.

I'm honestly just looking to not be everyone's fixer anymore, I don't want to break anyone in that process but I need to stop being the sacrifice so that everyone is comfortable.

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Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Wednesday Confessions

Monday was beyond stressful - so much so that I took it to the treadmill and hoped I wouldn't have to quit because of my back. For the first time in more than a year I didn't have to stop in the first 5 minutes.

SO close to 10K steps ... Toward the end though my legs were like bitch please what the hell do you think you are doing.

Next weekend I have tickets to Wicked I can't wait.

I was glad The Voice started back up - my absolute fave audition is this one. I've watched it several times now.

I'm sick of hearing about Donald Trump.

Facebook news feeds are giving me the heebie jeebies. I don't really want to read about BK giving people green shit or the details on decapitated babies. Sanctimonious shit people post are also raising my blood pressure. Shit dude if you are gonna lie block the people who know the truth first.

I soaked off my acrylic overlays and cut my nails down last night - this is taking some getting used to.

As much as I really really wanted to get into Kurt Sutter's new series I just can't. I think I will start SOA over on Netflix.  I also had to stop watching Frankie and Grace - it started to remind me of aging high schoolers.

I ordered this tank top - its become my favorite!

Happy Wednesday!

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Monday, October 05, 2015

So I am not a Monday Person - but I'm Trying

I know lots of us are not. I get it. I decided however to not dread the fact its Monday. I am finding humor in Monday. Like today, I legit laughed out loud when I received an email from a client which included this pic..

Nope, she wasn't mad at me just at a situation. I think I laughed for a good 5 minutes on this. 

Saw this on my Facebook feed this morning. Love it 

We took Little Man to the park Saturday - I took this picture there.

I'm honestly trying to be more positive about things in general, and hating a day just because its Monday isn't conductive to that. When you get right down to it Monday really didn't do you wrong, its really just another day of the week. 

We'd ALL be more pleasant if we sought out the good in the situation. Even just a tiny speck of good in ever bad situation will at least give a glimmer of hope.  Which, even at the bottom of Pandora's box was hope.

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Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Wednesday Confessional

Its Wednesday - and its been more than a minute since I did one of these so here goes.

I confess:

I am glad that as of Midnight September is OVER..

Last week was nothing but pure drama and the aftermath. The only thing I accomplished of my goal list was to get my ass to the salon and get my highlights redone.

This week doesn't look any better at that to do list.

My anxiety has been worse the past few weeks.

I've been rocking the curly hair, its easier. Lately I have embraced the theory the wilder the better when it comes to my hair.

I bought tickets to see Wicked in October - I can't wait.

I actually like Justin Biebers new song. I will be over in the corner hiding under a chair now.

I am glad that all the shows are back on TV but hate that its getting colder.

I've developed an allergy to 10kt yellow gold. I only have 2 rings I can wear, as they are 14kt however I've been told that may also change.

I hate that Sheldon and Amy broke up on The Big Bang Theory.

I started Christmas shopping.

I still don't want to see the Christmas countdown posts on social media!

We rolled out new goals at work and I need to step up my game.

I need to get productive around the house this weekend and finish my fall cleaning and purging.

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Sunday, September 20, 2015

I Need Another Day Between Saturday and Sunday ...

Don't we all really.. Seriously though three day weekends every week would be awesome right.. I will say Saturday I did pretty much jack shit. Which frankly, I am fine with. Thing is now I have laundry still to do as  Sunday we took little man and hit the Ren Fest.. Whoa what a workout lol. Chasing a 3 year old around outside with all those people.  We had a blast though.

Next week is looking busy. I just reviewed emails for work and we are rolling out new goals for the team. So I have a few new things to accomplish each week. My roll has never been a "billable" one persay I am strictly management, the new goal however is for me to get a couple billable hours in each week. Which in reality shouldn't be a struggle.

Personally I will be attempting to reorganize my two hall closets purge some more unused items. Get the laundry caught back up, and hit the gym. I need to get my fall and winter blazers to the cleaners. I have one I should replace. I have a hair appointment Thursday I am looking forward to. Its time to refresh those roots lol. I am also excited my shows are coming back. That is seriously the ONLY good thing about September. The Voice comes back tomorrow and Scandal and Grey's Anatomy on Thursday - which will be DVR-ed and watched Friday. I also have a book I have to finish this week and get the review submitted.

Whats on your schedule for this coming week??

Last weeks favorite funnies:

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Sunday, September 13, 2015

Tap Tap Hi There

So despite the fact I am not a fan of fall or winter, fall is here.. May I will get back to a regular blogging schedule.. I spent Labor Day weekend in St Louis with some girlfriends we had a blast. Four days of non stop belly laughs, drinking and fun. I was sad to see it end. It had been years since we were all together in the same place. That won't happen again we will be getting together more often.  I am hoping to make it to Kentucky soon to hang with my twin.

Friday we got in late, unpacked then hit the vodka and the game Cards Against Humanity.  Holy shit what fun that was. I will buying the game. Saturday was hanging out and a tour of Ferguson. We stopped at the shoe design factory there. Eight women in a place with 2 million shoes... No one purchased a thing! Sunday night we caught the drag show at The Olive Bar. Nice bar, if you are ever in St Louis stop by.

I had taken the rest of the week off so I have been on vacation for 9 days.   I had a pedicure and a massage. Cleaned out my closet and straightened up the house. I have a pile of things to donate, some things hit the trash. I have some more things to go through but it was a good start. I spent the week with curly hair and yoga pants. It was fabulous. I told almost no one I was on vacation and took the week to do anything and everything I wanted.

Tomorrow I have to go back to the real world and real pants. I am sure I have a ton of things waiting on me at the office. I had even turned off email notifications on my cell for the 9 days.  I am not looking forward to going through all of those! I needed the break though so I will keep that in mind while I pull my hair out!

My goals for the rest of September are to finish up purging no longer needed items. Clean my eating back up and to get back to the gym, slowly as to not piss my back off again. I also am going to make more of an effort to blog again on a more regular basis.

What are your September goals?

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Friday, September 11, 2015

September 11 - A repost from 2005

Next week will be September 11, a hard day for just about every American alive. The day for me is especially painful. I will never forget, as so many of us never will, exactly where I was. I was on I-435 on my way to work when the news came over the radio that the first tower was hit. I was in my office when the second hit. At that moment I was glued to the radio, never knowing the call I would receive later that night would drop me to my knees.

I left my office early that day - most of us did. To go home and watch the coverage. I remember sitting glued to the TV tears just flowing as they replayed the plane crashes over and over. Images that are forever burned into my mind now. 

I vaguely remember hearing the phone ring. But will never forget the call. I listened as a disconnected voice told me that Craig's brother had been in the first tower. Panic overwhelmed me as this event became even more personal. Anger came from no where. I screamed and fell to my knees. I had seen the coverage, I knew what the chances were of survival, it had been years since I had even uttered anything resembling a prayer. But I prayed for hours that he was still with us and if not by the grace of God please please have let it be quick and as painless as possible. 

Chris was the brother I never had. My own personal James Dean. Man I miss you. every once in a while I will swear I hear your voice or see you walking around the corner. I almost scream your name when it hits me your gone. Your future was so bright.

It kills me that I will never see your smile again, hear your laugh when you tease me. I get mad when I think about never being at your wedding, holding your kids and playing Auntie. I know there is a reason for everything, this one I am still searching for. 

As the 11th comes near again just like any other time you are never far from my mind. I promise to try not to cry this year, but to celebrate the phenomenal but short life you led. I love and miss you every day.

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Monday, August 31, 2015

August Favorites - Mostly Make Up

I haven't done one of these in a bit - I skipped July I really didn't have a favorite much less a few of them. This time I do have one non-makeup item.  I purchased all these products myself outof my own pocket - this is not a sponsored post.

ANA Jeggings which honestly are skinny jeans - I have a few pairs and just went back for more. I love the black ones and have started just wearing them and pairing different tops with it. Easy to get ready and head to work. Hence why I now have 5 pairs. Yes I needed 5 exact same black pairs. These wear wonderfully and are beyond comfortable.

I am liking this Urban Decay anti slick setting spray so far. I have worn it only a few times but so far so good. The Chill Setting Spray has been my favorite - we will see if this performs better.

These eye makeup remover wipes are gold. Even the hardest makeup to take off removes in a few swipes. Even the Better than Sex mascara. I just grabbed a new box to travel with this coming weekend. 

This is the Morphe M433 Pro blending brush - hands down the best brush I've used in a long time. It is a straight up dupe for MAC's 217 at a forth of the price. Honestly I like this brush BETTER.

This is my hands down all time favorite its Tarte's Park Ave Princess Amazonian Clay Water Proof Bronzer. I have worn this pretty much all month as bronzer, blusher and eye shadow. Its perfect for fairer girls it doesn't come off looking muddy. It has been the star of my favorite look this summer. It is what started my glowy bronzey more natural makeup looks. 

What were your August faves??? 

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Sunday, August 30, 2015

Stick a Fork in that Week

Seriously the end of August already??? Its Sunday night and I am chilling out watching the VMA's this week flew by. This upcoming week is going to be busy. I have an employee leaving, a new one starting and its a 4 day week for me that ends in vacation.... Hell Yeahs.

Saturday I ran errands I needed some new bras and wanted to grab another pair of black skinny jeans so I headed to JC Penney's.  I had ran in there last week when I was at the mall to exchange primer at Sephora and picked up some awesome skinny jeans by ANA. I now one 5 pairs of black ones which makes getting dressed super simple in the morning. I'm all for that.

I popped into Sephora while I was there as well and am testing out a new foundation by Becca not sure yet what I think but I've only worn it once. When I went in I was wearing a no makeup make up look that all the girls went nuts over. Its become my fave pretty much just all bronzey and glowy. I have no clue what I am going to revert to when fall hits LOL.

Makeup with the new Becca foundation and hair left curly. This was before it was totally dried - it ended up being almost double in size lol.

Sunday we grabbed lil man and headed to the T-Rex cafe. He had a blast.

The Entrance 
                                                                                                     Checking out the fishes

We didn't get a chance to check it all out - he was overwhelmed.  We will take him back to check out the dino dig.  I think we will be skipping lunch there next time. The cafe is out at the legends so there are so many better places to grab a burger right there. We knew going in the food wasn't great but it was expensive. We took lil man just for the experience.

I hope y'all had a great weekend. Here is to next week.. Go kick ass!!! 

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Friday, August 21, 2015

You Do You Boo

Is it me or is there an over abundance of articles these days that are all about "this trend needs to die" or "you can't wear ___ after age __". I am all for staying updated and not aging yourself by trying to stay to young but shit there comes a time when you just gotta do you.

I clicked on a facebook  article that was all about the trends that people are sick of. Honestly most of it was bullshit like long stiletto nails, leggings, jeggings etc. I realized I don't really give a damn about what I should or shouldn't wear or do anymore. I like my nails long - though squared off. I like my jeggings - which frankly are just skinny jeans, I'm not sporting leggings painted to look like denim they are thick honest to goodness denim. I like my super blonde hair dark nail polish no matter what time of year it is.

Truthfully its just been in the past year that I have started thinking this way. Before that I was always worried about how things looked or what was proper and acceptable. Now I'm like fuck it I like what I like. Who decides what is proper and what is not? If you don't like it don't wear it. That's fine but don't get all up in a twist because the person across from you does.

I'll keep my long dark nails, my blonde blonde hair and my jeggings/skinny jeans. Judge me if you want I don't care. Just keep in mind while you are judging me I'm just looking at your frosted lipstick, acid washed jeans and thinking you go girl do you and toasting with my wine glass.

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Sunday, August 16, 2015

Ah Sunday Night - Update on Life

I have a love hate relationship with Sunday night.  While generally some of my favorite shows are on its the end of the weekend. Don't get me wrong I love my job. Seriously love my job, but I generally would love to have another day in my weekend.

Lately my stress levels have been off the charts on a consistent basis and my normal de-stressing coping mechanisms are not making a dent in it. Last time this pattern occurred I ended up in adrenal fatigue. Dropped 50 lbs was constantly exhausted and frankly looked sick as hell. When you're almost 6 feet tall 127 pounds does not look healthy. These days I am generally on the edge of sensory overload. I spent the past week with a migraine that lasted the week.

I have not been to the gym in forever, how do you make yourself go when you are in pain and would rather climb in bed and stay there?? I need to figure out some new techniques for dealing with stress and get this under control I have no desire to get as sick as I did years ago. That took a long time to recover from and left me with a few issues like chronic fatigue which incidentally is what they first thought I had.

I have a girls weekend planned for Labor Day weekend. As much as I hate September I can't help but want it to get here. I am hoping 4 days with girl friends will do a lot to de-stress. At the very least it will be a weekend where I can kick off my shoes let me hair down and the biggest decision I have to make is if I want another shot of Patron or not.

What are your go to de-stress moves? What works for you to balance it all??

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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Wednesday's Confessions on Thursday

Day late dollar short - normal shit for me :-)

I can't wait for September - not that I am hurrying fall along - I love Summer, but I have a girls weekend planned for Labor Day weekend that I am so looking forward to. One of my best girl friends will be there - we are so much alike we just call each other "twin".

I honestly hate Halloween..

I pretty much wear tank tops all year long - when it gets cold I just throw a sweater or blazer over them.

I am sick to death of adulting this week.  I actually used the phrase shut it and take a Xanax, I have no time or frankly patience for grown people acting like 2 year olds.  

Its been a week of Mondays. Monday can go step on a fucking lego.

I still have the migraine from last Sunday its 100% stress. I think I am hiding out this weekend. We were supposed to move Peeps up to college but thats now NEXT weekend so I think I shall hide.

I'm not sure how shes getting all her shit to the family dorms - D is working and its to late to trade. For months now she said it was this weekend.

Favorite Meme's this week

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Monday, August 03, 2015

Currently and Updates

Whoops - apparently I needed some time off.  Professionally its just been a busy Summer and frankly that has taken up all my energy.

Slowly I do mean slowly at its been over a year now my back has been healing. I go more and more time between flareups.

My mom, who's getting up there in age - she was 73 her last birthday. Every time I get that call I worry shes done major damage - thus far its just been bumps and bruises.

My daughter is suppose to leave next week for college. Shes obtained family housing for her and my grandbaby.  She will be almost 3 hours away so I am nervous as all hell, but its time she finally gets her ass in gear. She will be 24 in 2 weeks!

I had a few car repairs to do - I got my AC recharged and Friday before last, my muffler got tired of hanging on so it got replaced.

Even not being able to workout I dropped 10 lbs that I had found when I first hurt my back - here's hoping to being able to being able to workout again regularly soon.

After having to wait forever because life kept happening I FINALLY got my 4th tattoo:

It is a path of life tat on my left wrist. Several people have asked what it "means" it is representative pf an infinite number of possibilities and expression of love. It illustrates life's twits, turn, and unexpected winds. One side is is heavier than the other that is referred to as a twisted loop and the fact that there are more than one twists incorporates the cooperation of two or more parties unifying for life. Which can mean marriage, friendship or an alliance.

I have to admit while being in the middle of having this one done, talks were happening planning the next one...

I will attempt to blog more often, August perhaps maybe hit or miss with the whole get the Kiddo off to college.  I have a girls trip planned to St. Louis over Labor Day - after that things should start to even out.

What are your end of summer plans??

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Sunday, August 02, 2015

Bittersweet - A Book Review

Some have reviewed Bittersweet as "evoking Gone Girl" with its twists. I honestly don't think that applies.  I did enjoy Bittersweet, I will say there was only one plot twist that I didn't actually see coming. What the book did bring to light is not judging others by appearances only, and take care with whom you trust.

Parts of the story come off as a far reach, but set up any other way and the story would not have worked. I can forgive the reach, but only because I thoroughly enjoyed the researching of the back family story that Mabel, the protagonist does of her roommates family once she gets their Summer retreat. I will say that Bittersweet did make we long for a beach house in New England to relax on the porch at while I flipped through the pages and learned about the Winslows.

Mabel is a bit manipulative and hard to read, Ev is a classic “poor little rich girl” who is at times hard to take. I found my sympathy going back and forth between the two main characters; even at the end I don’t really have a favorite between, I find myself sympathizing with both of them.  I do think however, Mabel probably has it easier than Ev and is a happier person at the end of the book.

Bittersweet does expose the ultimate “What would you do and how far would you go to get what you want?”  It also poses the question and “Who would you step on to get there?” Would you regret it or is doing anything necessary worth your end result? How far would you go to protect your families past history?

I found Bittersweet to be a wonderful read. It is not a “fluffy” poolside light read and I would recommend finding an afternoon to dive fully into it instead of reading a chapter or two at a time.

I received this book from Blogging for Books for this review.

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Just Finished - Mother, Mother - Koren Zailckas

Ever have a book that once you finish it you have no idea what to read next because nothing sounds good after the world you just finished. ...