Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Wednesday Confessions

Thrilled to see the linkup running again

More Coffee Less Talky

I can't wait to see Mockingjay part 2 and Starwars

I haven't been blogging very much because honestly whats been going on is a shit ton of drama and who wants to read that.

I am not looking forward to the Holidays this year because of the aforementioned metric shit ton of drama.

I'm sick of hearing people bitch about this years Holiday cup at Starbucks - for fucks sake people its a damn cup as long as my coffees in it I don't care. News flash not everyone's a *gasp, clutch your peals* Christian!

If Donald Trumps elected I'm seriously considering a 4 year visa to Canada.

I CAN NOT wait until Alice in Wonderland 2: Through the Looking Glass comes out. This is my FAVORITE "fairy-tail" though I must confess its not the traditional story that I love its the dark telling.  I adore twisted fairy tails.

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Tuesday, November 03, 2015

Facebook Review Your memories

This hit my facebook feed this morning - Sometimes reviewing your memories is like getting punched all over again..

I lost my dad September 27, 2009. We knew it was coming and we knew it would be quickly. It was 4 weeks from when we were told he had end stage liver cancer to the day I held his hand as he took his last ragged breath and passed over.

My dad and I always had a complicated relationship. He was my dad and I loved him, but there were times when he and I just could not see eye to eye on anything - ever. There were things that had been said when I was a teenager that I was still holding on to rather tightly and forgiveness was a word I had no concept of.

Then things got rough for him about 2 weeks into his illness. The cancer spread quick and fast. It was now in his pancreas and all the lymph nodes under his arms. The things I was holding on to for dear life were no longer important. My daddy was quickly dying in front of my very eyes.

I came to realize that some of the harsh things he had spoken to me as a young teen mother were not because he didn't have faith in me or believe in me, it was simply his way of pushing me along. Years of practice had taught him that as soon as you told me I couldn't achieve something I did simply to say "your wrong - see i did it".

That realization hit me as I looked down at my father in a casket and the tears and the anger flowed freely. Yes anger, I was and am pissed at the world because he is gone - My daddy was supposed to always be there - he wasn't supposed to leave. All daddies are supposed to always be there. I know thats not a fair statement - but ask me if I care, ask any daughter if they care - thats just how its supposed to be!

I also realized that some of the wrong decision he had made at certain times in my life - designed purely to be life lessons and his way of making me even more self reliant he was sorry for when they turned out to be the very worst possible time to try to employ this line of thinking, he strove to fix them. My stubbornness only saw the "being dropped on my ass, and even worse things happening" so I sat out to be angry about that. I didn't see that at the time, only the horrible situation I had been left in and helped too late. Daddy I'm sorry.

I feel privileged that at the end I was who my dad asked for, and frequently. I went every single time. I hugged him, I kissed his head I told him I loved him as much as possible. I helped him drink water when he was to weak to get the cup. I feel blessed that I was the one he asked help from. Even though I know it took some of his pride.

One night at 4:30 in the morning I received a call that I need to come quickly my dad had fallen and mom was unable to get him up on her own. I know as a man and a father that was simply horrible for him. I know it took my breath away to see my once strong and vibrant father on the floor and unable to move.

At one point during this journey, I asked my best friend of 20 years "how do you say goodbye to a man who was always larger than life?" His answer came quickly - "you kiss him goodbye and remember him how he was."

So on Sunday, September 27 when I stopped by my parents house and we knew it was our last day. I held his hand and spoke to him, he was unconscious but hospice assured us he knew we were there and could hear. I kissed him told him that I always loved him and would forever more and that it was ok to follow the Angel, I didn't want him to hurt. I stroked his hand and stood there, remembering the man who fixed my broken toys, kissed my boo-boos and even grounded me for my own good.

He took his last breath and went peacefully with the Angel at 3:45 pm, he was always so punctual. I stood there for a long time and remembered the man he had always been....

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Just Finished - Mother, Mother - Koren Zailckas

Ever have a book that once you finish it you have no idea what to read next because nothing sounds good after the world you just finished. ...