Sunday, April 30, 2006

I know its been well over a month, such as life. My plate is pretty full at the moment; there is no room for even a smidgen of anything else.

With the teen child its 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. At this rate I should just hand over my 401(k) to her therapist and be done with it. A few weeks back we had a major step back and I ended up in an emergency session with the doctor not just the therapist, but the big gun.

I think her therapist and her shrink need to get on the same damn page of the same fucking book. The doctor says I am moving in the right direction in my parenting, the therapist tells me that I need parenting class.. Between the 2 very different views the teen child has a huge spectrum in which to manipulate the parental folks here. Makes for a very chaotic house.

On April 27, 2006 the worst words in the English language were spoken. Your father has cancer. It seems unreal to even type those words. Now my father and I do not in any way have the ideal relationship, in fact we put the fun in dysFUNction. Nevertheless those words were like a huge punch in the stomach followed by a Chuck Norris style roundhouse kick to the head.
Even now I can't put words to the emotions.

Ironically, yesterday, found me volunteering at a breast cancer survivor luncheon. I sat in a room of 1200 people 95% of the people there were survivors and their co-survivors (husbands, daughters, best friends etc). It was overwhelming and yet inspiring. I sat there trying in vain to control my tears as the stories were shared, hugs were given and laughs were had.

At my table were a mother and daughter both survivors. The daughter was not much older than I am now when she was diagnosed. That just blows my mind. Women my age are not supposed to be a risk group. One woman there was diagnosed at 19.

Right now I am just in my world, isolating myself in order to deal with what is going on. That in and of its self causes me to feel guilty. I just don’t have the energy to deal with other drama at the moment. I just can’t seem to pick up the phone and make a few phone calls that I was supposed to. That makes me feel like a bad friend, which induces more guilt. I keep reminding myself of one thing one of my best friends keeps telling me, “You do not have to keep being someone else’s backbone, its alright to say I can’t right now.”

Just Finished - Mother, Mother - Koren Zailckas

Ever have a book that once you finish it you have no idea what to read next because nothing sounds good after the world you just finished. ...