Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Realizations

What I've come to realize:

1. I've come to realize that my butt: Is just fine

2. I have come to realize that I talk: Sometimes before I truely think about what I am saying.

3. I've come to realize that I love: Either 150% or not at all - there is no middle ground

4. I've come to realize that I have: Strength, lots of it.

5. I've come to realize that I've lost: The rose colored glasses I used to view the world with

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when: Someone tells me I can't do something - yes I can and I will damn well show you.

8. I've come to realize that Marriage: Either is or isn't, there is no way to hammer a square peg in a round hole.

9. I've come to realize that: I can face the impossible and conquer it, I already have.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be: Undeniably me

11. I've come to realize that I need to go: And do what makes my heart sing.

12. I've come to realize that, the last time I cried was: A few days ago

13. I've come to realize that my cell phone is: My right arm lol. And sometimes my life line.

14. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: Whatever the day throws at me, I can take

15. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night: I have done the very best I can for that day

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about? Someone very special

17. I've come to realize that babies are: A gift

18. I've come to realize that when I get on Myspace: I may be suprised at what I find

19. I've come to realize that today I will: Take a deep breath

20. I've come to realize that tonight I will:Relax21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will: Do my best

22. I've come to realize that I really want to: Watch the sunrise with the love of my life, and just be for that moment.

23. I've come to realize that I just miss: The small moments that make rocking chair memories, because I am going way to fast.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Not right now...

Your a strong woman - its a phrase I have heard several times over the past few days. Yeah I am, so whats your point?

Just because I am a strong woman and have delt with more than my fair share of shitty deals in life doesn't mean that I can't get upset. It doesn't mean that I have just deal and can't have a few moments, a few tears. Yes I have survived more in my short life time than most people ever will see in 90 years.

However there are still moments when life has beaten even me to the point of constant tears and the feeling that I am done, I am tired. I am allowed, even if for a few seconds, where I am tired where I don't want to put one more foot in front of the other. I am allowed to take the weight of the world off my shoulders for even a moment.

So this is it, this is my moment, I am tired, I don't want to put one more foot in front of the other. I want to curl up and just be for a second. I want to close my eyes and let it all pass by. There is no crime in saying "I can't, not right now".

I can't - not right now.....

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Every Woman Should Have

Every Woman Should Have
Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... something perfect to wear if the employer, or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .. a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... A past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... .. a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE. One friend who always makes her laugh ... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .... A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE. Eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal, that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ... A feeling of control over her destiny.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to fall in love without losing herself.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... when to try harder ... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... how to live alone ... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW. Whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table ... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...

Saturday, September 08, 2007

2am Random Musings and other shit

2 am on Friday night/Saturday morning one of my favorite times. I get to stay up as late as I want and not have to worry about draggin ass at the office the next day, and its quiet. Generally I am up reading a book or watching a move. Tonight I have been surfing archived blog entries.

This is week has been a spectacular craptastic week, totally fucking waste of makeup. Yes the whole damn week. It started last week and just progressively got worse. I am positive it was the universes way of saying "fuck you , fuck you right in the ear".

I finally called and made a doctors appointment for next week. Those who know me are cheering. I have been putting this off for awhile (read LONG while). However my pain management is no longer managing and I am taking more and more meds and getting less and less relief and have started to have new issues. So Weds afternoon will find me seeing the doctor. Now I just gotta get to the Gyn and the dentist - yeah don't hold your breath on that last one unless you think smurf blue really is your color.

September is here - which is not that bad, except it brings falls, not that I have an issue with fall per say but fall brings winter and I have HUGE issues with winter. I fucking HATE winter. Snow, ice, frigid temps yeah not FUN. This southern girl wants warm sunshine and balmy breezes and the smell of summer all damn year long. Leaves turning, crisp air and sweaters all suck ass thank you very much.

Congress decided to screw with daylight savings so I don't even get my extra hour of sleep to compensate for the nasty weather until much later this year. Overblown windbags, your the same dumb asses who messed with the bankruptcy laws that are giving me such a hard time at work on a daily basis. Once can only hope that soon all y'all will get your cranial rectal reverses scheduled. And while we are at it stop voting yourselves raises. No where else on earth can you do that. Come live in the real fucking world for once, shit its not like y'all are curing cancer or AIDS your just not that damn important!!

Spammers - stop sending me crap emails - I don't need a bigger penis thank you very fucking much, I am not falling for your "lottery" and the virus you keep trying to inflict on my pc with your greeting cards from coworkers and old friends is not funny.

My mind at 2 am is a strange place to be...

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Its September again

Next week will be September 11, a hard day for just about every American alive. The day for me is especially painful. I will never forget, as so many of us never will, exactly where I was. I was on I435 on my way to work when the news came over the radio that the first tower was hit. I was in my office when the second hit. At that moment I was glued to the radio, never knowing the call I would receive later that night would drop me to my knees.

I left my office early that day - most of us did. To go home and watch the coverage. I remember sitting glued to the TV tears just flowing as they replayed the plane crashes over and over. Images that are forever burned into my mind now.

I vaguely remember hearing the phone ring. But will never forget the call. I listened as a disconnected voice told me that Craig's brother had been in the first tower. Panic overwhelmed me as this event became even more personal. Anger came from no where. I screamed and fell to my knees. I had seen the coverage, I knew what the chances were of survival, it had been years since I had even uttered anything resembling a prayer. But I prayed for hours that he was still with us and if not by the grace of God please please have let it be quick and as painless as possible.

Chris was the brother I never had. My own personal James Dean. Man I miss you. every once in a while I will swear I hear your voice or see you walking around the corner. I almost scream your name when it hits me your gone. Your future was so bright.

It kills me that I will never see your smile again, hear your laugh when you tease me. I get mad when I think about never being at your wedding, holding your kids and playing Auntie. I know there is a reason for everything, this one I am still searching for.

As the 11th comes near again just like any other time you are never far from my mind. I promise to try not to cry this year, but to celebrate the phenomenal but short life you led. I love and miss you every day.


Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The one

She stands on the porch on a clear dark night looking up at a thousand stars thinking. A soft smile on her face, butterflies in her stomach. In the distance she hears a deep rumble of his bike coming up the dirt lane to her. He is the one, the one she longs for. Her one true love. He knows her thoughts, her dreams. He knows where she’s been and where she is headed.

He has held her hand, spoken soft in her ear, calmed her fears. Late a night he is the one she tells her deepest thoughts to. Held her when she cried and wiped her eyes. The tender hand of love.

Together they have traveled almost everything life can cruelly toss at you, sometimes together sometimes apart. He knows her thoughts sometimes better than she does.

The roar of the bike still now, as he gazes at her, he walks to her. He is behind her and silently takes her into his arms and quietly sighs. She leans back into him and draws in a deep breath.

She has finally come home…

© 2007 KayLynn

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The thoughts of a mother..

In 20 days Peep turns 16, I am still wondering who the hell gave her permission to do so? A few days after that she goes over to the high school to start her sophomore year - again where was the permission? She rolls her eyes at me anytime I mention any comment similar to the above or refer to her as my little or baby girl. The clarification that she will always be MY baby girl rewards me with a look that says "shit - my mother has gone around the bend - where is that electroshock therapist?" *sigh* One day she will get it.

It always blows my mind to look at her and see that shes not 3 anymore and tugging on my leg to be picked up and given a cookie. If only I had one more day like that. Don't get me wrong I marvel at the young women she is, and see glimpses of who she will be that are just as mind blowing. Some days I can't help but look at her and think "wow" the exceptional woman that she will one day be.

Then I generally want to wrap her and bubble wrap to shield her from all the pain and disappointment the world can and will bring, not that for one second, I don't know shes not already experienced it, I just don't want her to ever deal with more. I know its the dream of every mother out there.

I wish that she would slow down and not be in such a hurry to grow up. As I also know and remember that I too wanted to hurry up and be out on my own. Oh the things I just knew I would do. She doesn't think that I know what that feeling is like or even remember 16. One day she will be sitting, possibly in her kitchen; as I am now, reflecting over her child and then know that I knew all to well what she was feeling and that I did get it.

The all to consuming butterflies in the stomach that just a "Hi Baby," from that oh so dreamy boyfriend could induce and often did. The knowledge that he was just "The One" and your parents could never know how that felt, and if they did they would be more understanding of the all night phone calls and how very painful saying goodnight was.

The smile that would come over your face just thinking about how he said "I love you". You were always certain that no matter what was going on just him saying I miss you could take the sting out of whatever it was that hurt or upset you, and generally he did and could. And maybe just maybe he is The One. It's happened before.

Good luck Baby Girl, Mama knows. Mama loves you. Just please slow down and enjoy it, you only get to be 16 once.

Mama

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Hey you, yeah you behind me...

Turn your fucking radio down. If my car, yep the one 2 cars in front of your piece of shit, is vibrating then your music is to loud.

By the way your sound system SUCKS! The bass is supposed to sound like something more than a pissed off jackhammer at 3 am in suburbia, dumb ass. Further more if I really wanted to hear that wannabe music I'd be in your car sitting next to you.

I give less than a damn if its the latest by rapper Dz doesn'tmakealickofsencecouldn'tmakeitonyaMTVrapsifheblewthevj, it SUCKS ASS. Learn what real music is then crank up the volume.

By the way I don't think you qualify for the Senior discount on the latest hearing aid at 23.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Come on down...and get bitchslapped??

Rosie as a replacement for Bob Barker?? Is CBS smoking crack?

Apparently Bob Barker is endorsing his friend Rosie as a possible replacement for him on his game show. Now as a acquaintance of mine pointed out "why not, shes big, loud and larger than life." And he says there is not much room for politics to be brought into it. Ok point taken. However, after the talk shows and being able to say what she wanted when she wanted as long as it did not violate FCC regulations.

Personally, not that what I think matters one bit, I think the game show would bore her. I feel that she thrived on being controversial and under that making people think. No matter how you feel about Rosie, you have to give her the kudos for being passionate about her views, whether or not you agree.

I don't agree with most of her views on assorted topics, I liked the "Queen of Nice" myself and don't really know what to think of this angry Rosie. Which Rosie is the real Rosie? Or she she a combination of both, and the pendulum has just swung to far to one side at the moment and she needs to find her middle ground.

On the other hand maybe the game show would bring some of the nice back.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Trying to find old friends

On a whim I googled a old friend of mine from my early childhood. I came across several articles which mentioned her. I read about her high school reunion and found some recent schedules for a local school where we (ok mostly she as I was busy moving around the world) grew up.

I also came across several email addresses for her, or at least they could be her. So I shot off a quick email - one bounced back almost instantly. The other appears to be sent - Fingers crossed! If nothing else I did find an email address for her mother, I can always try that one.

Wow it would be so cool to reconnect with her. Its been years since I have had contact with her. I was married to the anti-christ and Peep was a small child. She had just had her first baby and was having a ball being a new mom. Then I left the aforementioned anti-christ and lost contact. Oh the things that have changed since those days. Peep is almost 16 I am remarried and have changed my name.

I hope its her and we reconnect. If for nothing else because we used to be inseparable and have over a decade to catch up on.

Monday, June 11, 2007

NEW PC!!!!

Well the new baby is here. She's a blazing fast machine and already a beloved member of the family. She was delivered June 10th at 11:42 am. We are still getting used to the little things and fine tuning other things. It took me forever to sign on to blogger - something about a cookie issue that I did fix yet blogger was still not a happy camper about it. It is a fluke that I am here and typing this out! We are looking forward to years of enjoyment and entertainment..

Saturday, April 21, 2007

A Spring Saturday and some other news

Hot damn spring is here!!!!! I love warmer weather.. it is no secret that I live in the Midwest because my darling husband loves it here. I am a southern girl who does not fair well in the Midwest winters.. *mumble fucking hate snow* So when the weather calms down and the flowers start peeking out, the grass turns green and the warm breezes come to town I am a happy girl..

Today I am just chilling at home, got the windows open its 77 degrees out. The oil burner is going with a cucumber melon scent and I am puttering around the house. Little surfin the web, little cleaning, baked some brownies music is playing on the ol pc.. I am HAPPY!!!

In other news, I spent a few nights ago surfin myspace. I put up a page ages ago then forgot it existed. The other night I had a friend request and remember that it was there so I went looking. I ended up on my high school alumni site and re-discovered an old friend.

How I let 15 years go by without even attempting to reconnect with old friends is beyond me. We had a blast talking last night on the phone and just catching up and walking down memory lane. Looking back high school was pretty much a blast and not the tragic drama it seemed back then LOL.

So readers, a tip from me to you, reconnect with an old friend. Maybe you have their address, phone number or email and once in awhile think about dropping them a line and seeing whats up and just have not done so. I know we are all busy, but stop for 5 minutes and drop them a line. You may be delighted.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Random thoughts and ramblings

Spent the last 3 days on the couch heavily out of it on cold meds.. I hate being sick and I don't do it very well at all. With everything eles going on and my other medical issues the common cold really pisses me off. Nothing fucking helps and if it did they either took it off the market or changed the formula because of the stupid ass meth heads. Fuck you right in the ear meth bitches..

Apparently while I was out of it a huge ruckus erupted with Don Imus - not that I give a shit I never listened to him anyhow. HOWEVER, not that I am condoning what he said, last I checked this was America and you were free to say whatever you wanted no matter how ate up with the dumb ass it was. Its a good thing that not everyone gets fired for the half baked simple remarks they say or the unemployment rate would be sky high. Retail stores alone would be employee-less. I can't tell you the countless remarks that I have heard come out of a retail sales persons mouth that were offensive.

So the baby daddy is Larry.... well DUH. Kudos to Howard though for stepping up and saying that he was on Larry's side and would do whatever it took to keep that freak Virgie away from that precious baby. Shes a nutball. There are reasons Anna wanted nothing to do with her, had not spoken to her in 10 years and called her mommy dearest. And that half sister of hers writing that book to set the record straight? Bitch what do you know? You only had a relationship with her for 2 years in the mid 90's. Shame on you for trying to make a buck off your sister who is not even able to speak up and defend herself. Your mama should have taught you better.

Well thats all that is rambling around in my head at the moment.. Whats in yours?

Sunday, April 08, 2007

A new perspective

I couldn't sleep last night. I had gotten more than just a little down after yesterday's events and found myself listening to the music I have on my pc and surfin the net. In my travels I found a website memorial a mother had designed for her son. As I found myself reading the pages and the tributes of a mother, father and friends who had lost someone way too soon without warning. I discovered myself just sobbing in sorrow over a teenage boy I'd never met.

In that moment reading his mothers words I had a realization, no matter how upset I am over the way things are going, the turn of events we are dealing with and will deal with for the rest of our life, I still have my baby. Yes I grieve for certain things that may never be and ideals that have changed, but when its all said and done I have my daughter. Many who have had to deal with this disorder no longer have their child.

So even in the midst of the drama, the fights from hell, the worn out days where I think my giveashitter is broken beyond repair, I will stop, think and say a prayer that at least I have her - it could be so much worse. There will always be the good days and the not so good days, we will even have very very bad days but we at least have them and for that I will always be grateful. And for ever good day that balances several bad ones in a row, I will treasure them and learn to hang on to those days to get us through the tough ones.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I swear I have not fallen off the face of the earth..

I am just insanely busy. There is a lot going on for me both personally and professionally. Learning to balance it all has become a huge challenge.

Professionally things are busy but very good. We are down a few staff members, but have hired a new legal assistant. I am partial as he is a very good friend, but I do think that finally we have a good no make that phenomenal fit in our office. He is a quick learner and not only bright but brilliant.

Personally, not so much. I am still learning to process and deal with everything that is going on in my family. My 15 year old, the first love of my life has finally been diagnosed as bipolar. I say finally but it seems that her doctor has diagnosed her for at least year, however he has just decided to inform us of it. This sends me on a huge tidal wave of emotions. I am pissed, hurt, angry and overwhelmingly sad. If we are to play this "game" it would be fair to have all the play pieces and the rules.

I would like to say that the hesitation to let us in on this nugget of information was to be cautious. Maybe he was waiting to make sure, however my mind screams that this was so very very wrong and even cruel to do this to her and us. This whole time we were told that the issues she was having were not permanent and that she would come off medication. At one point he even attempted to remove her from meds. That was a horrid time. It took just 2 weeks for her to downward spin. In my opinion that was cruel and unnecessary to do to her if you have known all this time she is in fact bipolar and a rapid cycler at that.

The other emotions that I am dealing with in processing this illness is the fact that even though normally life is not fair and not always easy, she will always struggle more than the average person. Not to say that this wondrous child is average by any means, she is an extraordinary young woman. But with everything that shes lived through and dealt with in her short 15 years, why this too? Who the fuck asked you to make her life even harder? Who the hell are you to do this to her? When is enough enough? And finally thanks a fucking lot.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Current age vs real age

Talk about an eye opener. I am only 32 (mark this down, its one of the only times I give my age as more than 29) but I took this health quiz and it says my real age is 40.8 *thud*. Some life style changes are diffently in order.. Time to up the vitamins & exercise and lower the red meat among other tips & suggestions the website has.


Find your real age www.realage.com

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Whats your funky inner hair color

Yeah like this will shock anyone who knows me LOL

Your Hair color should be pink!
Hyper, insane, and a boatload of fun.You're a traveling party that everyone loves to follow.

Wednesday Confess Sess

I can't wear heels anymore so I have turned into a sneakerhead.  My first pair of Adidas are due in today and I am beyond excited. I use...