2018 The Year ...... Change and Growth

I do not even know how to title 2018 much less put a summary on it... Heaven knows there is not a bow for it. Simply put 2018 was a huge year for me, one of pivotal changes. Both good and horribly bad. I could never have dreamed that when I ended 2017 and looked toward the incoming year with so much hope how very very different it would go.

2018 was one of the biggest years of changes for me. I learned a lot - that word doesn't even begin to describe how much - I learned about the people in my life and more importantly about myself. I learned that the people I thought would always, who promised to always, have my back did not. I learned that I have strength that even after all the shit I have survived in my life I have more strength and perseverance that even I could not even fathom I possessed.

I previously blogged about how people pick words for the year and somehow the work change chose me for 2018. Everything changed. I look back and see that nothing - seriously nothing is the same.  An almost 2 decade relationship ended, I moved to a whole new city in a new state, I spent a short time in a friends home since I did not have a home to call my own. I have a new career, hell even my car decided it was time to retire.  I met new people, I have new friends who have helped me through this year more than they will ever know.

I do miss some of the people I thought would always be in my life and that they were true friendships I am grateful that this year showed me their true selves. I have learned to be careful who I confide in, whom I hold close. I have chosen to let them go, wish them well and remember that when people show you who they really are do not try to repaint the picture. When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. Mya Angelou was so correct in that belief.

While I am still digging out of this past year and recovering from so many changes I do see the the light at the end. I can't say that I will look back at most of 2018 with pleasure I will cherish some aspects of it. I am, however, ready to end 2018 and start fresh with 2019. I am picking my own word this time though!

Whats up Wednesday

Eating: Soup - Its cold! 

Reminiscing about: Last weekend - having 4 days off was amazing!

Loving: My heated seats. Seriously puffy heart love for those - and remote start!

I've been: Working on a research project for work 

I'm dreading:  Honestly - I can't think of a thing 

I'm working on:  Getting back into the swing of regular blogging - my mind has been making lists 

I'm excited about:  Putting up a Christmas tree for the first time in 10 years. Seriously that's how long I have 

skipped the whole tree thing.

I'm watching/reading:  Watching Game of Thrones on HBO GO.  Reading - ehhhh I have been in a 

reading slump for almost a year now.

I'm listening to:  Spotify 

I'm wearing: Leggins, sweater and ankle boots 

This weekend I'm:  Touching up a friends roots - working on Christmas presents, laundry, 

and pulling decorations from storage. 

Next month: I'll work on next month; well next month. I am living today with today's energy

Linking up with Shay  I followed Michael and found Shay's link up .. Y'all do the same! 

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TAGS: Life

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Weekend Shenanigans

How is it Thanksgiving this week?? This past weekend was a busy one - but a good one. I started crafting for Christmas presents. Honestly, I spent a good bit of time between the gathering of all the stuffs to make the stuffs then making the first part of the stuffs. Clear as mud? Good *wink*  I decided this year to craft the adults gifts.

The kiddos will get some small things but I am not in a place to buy all the stuff. With that being said, how much of it is actually appreciated. In 3 days (if that) they forget most of what they got and the attention is focused on the one or two "I'm gonna cease to breathe if I do not possess this item" item. So I am focusing on the few small things.

Saturday I went to Wal-Mart and Michaels for supplies. Thankfully I remembered Michaels always has online coupons and Saturday did not disappoint there was a 50% off coupon for one item they always take it from the most expensive item instead of the least as most stores do. I  made a few testers then felt confident in what I was doing to start on the gifts. Nothing like learning new skills for Christmas presents right?!

Saturday night was dinner and a movie. Let me just say Bohemian Rapsody is EVERYTHING I had wanted it to be. It was an awesome movie.  I can see buying that on DVD. I want to see it again to pick up on the little things one always misses on the first viewing.

Sunday was errands and more crafting - somewhere in the mix of the weekend I also got laundry done and there were a few video chats with my grandbabies.

I hope y'all had a good weekend let me know how you spent it.. Link up Biana

Wednesday Confessional

Well its been awhile so why not..

1. I hate halloween - always have ... the ONLY part of me who likes it is the makeup artist in me who really just wants to paint faces and send them out to where ever they may be headed then grab a glass of wine the popcorn and a Netflix sess.

2. I STILL have a Netgally book I am trying to hard to get into - I just can't it is too predictable - to maddening at how "paint by numbers" the story is. At this point, I think its just going to get a half review and a disclaimer that I could NOT finish it. right now its only use, is as a tool to battle insomnia if it were not on my kindle I would have thrown it by now.

3. I am tired all day, get to the evening still tired - go lay down and its like oh just kidding let's go over all the catchy song lyrics from the last 20 years ..... you spin me right around....... FML 

4. I now really understand Oliva's (Scandal) wine and popcorn dinners - at the end of the day, the LAST thing I want to do is cook. What I WANT to do is kick off my shoes and sit on the couch.  A lot of times a peanut butter sandwich wins - what??? It's handled...

5. I cut off all my nails - now I can't type or text...

6. my Netflix "because you watched" section looks like I am a 14 year old ... I am not sorry.

7. I am low key pissed the stuff I pin on my Pinterest doesn't just go into my closet.

The things that have made me laugh lately

The Year of Change - 2018

Some people pick a word for the year - I never have, I understand the thought behind it. I can appreciate the motivation to embrace a word for a year instead of resolutions. I just never applied it to my own life. Apparently however a word chose me for 2018. Change picked me. This has been my biggest year of growth experiences and change that I can remember in a very long time.

Frankly most of it has been very painful, the universe decided I was to comfortable, to complacent in my own world, thus I found my world flipped inside out and upside down.  I will say that I have experienced on my own that when the Universe decides you need to make a change it will make you so uncomfortable until you have no choice but to make a change. These days I do not even recognize my own life. 

I have moved to a new city, I have a new job and I am learning a new way of just being. Its been both scary as hell and liberating all at once. I am doing things I never thought I could do.  I always knew I was a strong person but I have been learning just how much strength I have. Some days have brought me to my knees and others I have felt more joy than I have in a long time.  I know that I still have a lot to deal with and work through, but I have gotten this far and the only way out is to keep going.

While I am grateful for the lessons I am ready for things to level out a bit. I hear you Universe,  thank you for the new challenges, new experiences and the strength, I know I was only supposed to pay bills and die, life is to be really lived - but I think I will pick my own word for next year. Deal? Deal.

End of Another Weekend and another Summer - Weekend Shenanigans

Saturday was officially the first day of Fall - the weather knew it as well it was so mild out. Mid 70's light breeze and I did laundry and made the 1st pan of homemade jambalaya. Apparently the Cardinals won their game - I can NOT get Royals games here to save my life - they tease you, will show  you the pregame all the interviews and then right as you think ok mayyybeeeee... Then BAM a really rude blackout screen that says NOPE not happening. Ok well maybe it says, This game is blacked out in your viewing area  RUDE AF. It is cable to boot its not like I am trying to fake a local channel into showing it.


Saturday night I vegged in front of the TV and watched Jurassic World and Infinity Wars both pretty good movies. I'm trying to not just dismiss movies with a "not my thing" and watch them anyhow. I am glad I watch both of these they were pretty good. I do have to admit to being jumping in parts of Jurassic World too! I have realized I have not one clue about a lot of the back stories in the various comic book movies so I was a little "huh" at how some of them related - so I aim to fix that as it was a really good movie.

Sunday I played a few rounds Words with Friends watched some more TV then went and washed and did a quick detail on the Jeep. I really needed to get the bugs off from last months KC trip then the drive to the farm for the girls weekend. Sunday was pretty much the perfect lazy day with just enough getting done so that you felt like you were not a total bum. Though I do LOVE a total lazy bum Sunday - planning one next Sunday actually!

Hope your weekend was what you needed it to be - whatever that was, either totally productive or lazy as can be. Both are good - balance is key!

Weekend Link up with B Loved Boston

Thursday's Thoughts

I ended up in a Facebook political debate - yes I know and yes my eye is twitching like mad.

A friend of mine posted a petition that called for the DELAY, let us say that again DELAY of the votes for Kavanaugh and all hell broke loose.

I simply liked the post and gave my signature for support. Another friend of hers - a female made a comment that we are insane and that there is no good reason his confirmation should be withheld. Wait, what???  How about an investigation into the sexual assault claims? That is a GREAT reason to delay a vote on anything.

I made a comment to that effect and the statement "People are tired of rich white powerful men doing as they please" I was informed I am racist, a man-hater, I have issues with people having money and as of this morning insane. Y'all wonder why people don't report things...

Historically women reporting sexual assault are victimized all over again when they make the report. Her life choices are called into question, what was she wearing, how late was she out, did she have anything to drink, has she previously been sexually active, how much makeup did she have on? Then the all time - well she was asking for it. No, she was not. 

Women are raised to be constantly on guard toward men, we are taught what we wear can be distracting for them, how we laugh, how we eat, how we walk. We are taught from a very early age that we are "responsible" for the actions of men against us.  We are now saying NO, we are NOT.

How about teaching men to be responsible for their own actions. Teach them to control their own behaviors, emotions and responses?  There is not a man around who gets up in the morning thinking, I better not wear those pants, Julie in accounting may not be able to concentrate on the quarterly reports. He also is not thinking if I wear my hair this way, or this cologne does that say I am a slut?

Make NO mistake - there is not a woman on this earth who "asks" to be assaulted sexually or otherwise. I do not care how short her skirt is or what her make up looks like - that is NOT now or EVER will be an invitation to violate her.

For those wondering how after 35 years does she remember the details of the assault - let me assure you, a person who is assaulted - no matter HOW much time has past remembers. They live with that DAILY.  It is the one who assaults who gets fuzzy on the details and uses phrases like " Your Honour, I can't recall".

Professor Ford, I believe you and thank you for taking a stand. Despite knowing the backlash you and your family would receive. You deserve to be heard, not get death threats requiring your family to hide and security to be hired. Thank you for speaking up anyway.

Weekend Shenanigans

Friday night was Balloon Glow - which is when they air up the balloons at night the evening before the race in St Louis.  Unfortunately due to people thinking they can drive but actually can not - I missed the balloons - but did make it to see the fireworks.

I took these on my cell phone - not to bad.

Saturday was the Civil War walking tour at Bellefontaine Cemetary. I had an amazing time - the cemetery is stunning and the history lesson was nothing like your high school history class. I will be signing up for more tours. The tour was 3 hours and covered a little of 2 miles. We saw and learned about 60 individuals but in reality, only saw 1% of the cemetery.

These were also taken using my cell phone.

Sunday I really just puttered around my apartment - I got up worked out, cleaned house a little then watched some TV and later in the afternoon caught up on my favorite podcast at the moment.  I did dig out my little digital camera and charge it up so that I can also use that for capturing my adventures. While a cell phone is handy and these days takes amazing pictures - I also like my little digital camera. One of these days I will pick up a DSLR and get back into photography.


How was your weekend??

Wednesday Confess Sess

It's been a minute since I have done one of these ..


I am opting out of the haunted float trip - haunted houses are not my thing - I'd rather explore an actual haunted house and study the paranormal than to pay someone to jump out and scream at me.

By midweek I am tired as hell - but I can NOT seem to go to bed before 10 pm. Dang it I'm not twelve I don't wanna go to bed at 9!

I can not stand when someone speaks to me as though I am a child who does not understand something. I spent the better part of an hour on the phone yesterday going round and round with a young man who was hell-bent on telling me I had it wrong. Nope, come to find out had he just LISTENED and not spoken down to me.... I was correct.

Friends can break your heart just as much as a lover can. Unlike a lover, however, a lot of times that hurt will not heal.

I love the Kardashian's - Khloe is my favorite. I don't even call it a guilty pleasure anymore - eff that life is short - like what you like.


I just started watching Game of Thrones - I know I am really late to that party.. *Shrugs*

I have a book I am reading for a review - I can not seem to get into. I need to - the review is due, the book is being released into the wild soon - I .... Just..... Can't...... Get ..... Into.....It

17 years - Still Hard - Still Can't Find Words

Chris, I still wonder...

Easy Weekends

I love easy relaxed weekends. The biggest thing I did was Friday night - I rearranged my living room. Chilled out watching some YouTube videos - these days my favorite are just the vlogging  or the true crime channels. Set on auto play and just go - gotta love the Roku.

Saturday was run to Wal-Mart for a few things, I needed another lamp for the living room and some cleaning supplies. I also made some energy bites for next week. Saturday afternoon and evening was a Netflix and Amazon Prime streaming night. I watched Deadpool 2 again and then a few other movies - including "The Package" skip it, its as bad as it sounds - high school humor - and not good humor. That is 2 hours of my life I will regret not spending watching something better!!

My Jeep is equipped with Sirius so I signed up for a trial - I've used it on a limited basis before with rentals but I have a 2 month trial so might as well use it. I figure I spend a LOT of time in my jeep I might as well have the music I like and way less of the commercials and chatter.

Sunday was a do nothing - well more of nothing except a quick run to the nail salon and more watching YouTube. I probably should have ran to Aldi's for groceries but meh it did not happen. I'll go later.  This is my first chill weekend in a while and next weekend will be busy so I might as well take full advantage of the down time. Last weekend was the Annual Bitches Weekend and the one before that I was so sick I didn't know my own name. Next weekend is the Civil War walking tour in the cemetery then that night a haunted float trip down in Rolla. 

Hope y'all had a great weekend!!

The One About Fall Stuff

With Summer winding down I started looking around at different things to do around St Louis in cooler weather. Anyone else have a list of things they want to see or do before winter hits and no one ventures out because... COLD.

There are quite a few things I want to explore around here the first being Bellefontaine Cemetery  One of St.  Louis' oldest and most famous cemeteries.  There is a lot of history buried there, which I find intriguing, between William Clark of Lewis and Clark and the Civil War Soldiers to the Anheuser Busch family.

The grounds are also said to be extremely serene and beautiful. Next weekend there is a 3 hour Civil War history walking tour that I have registered for and am looking so forward to.

I also have plans to zipline down Meramec caverns and possibly a haunted float trip. I am not persay big on haunted houses in the Halloween tradition - I'd rather explore paranormal, but a float trip sounds fun. On the paranormal side there is the tour of Jefferson City Penituatury that is said to be very haunted - that has been on my list for a few months now as well as the Arch and some local hiking.

What is on your list for fall? Any local traditions or things you have yet to explore in your town??

Labor Day in the Rearview Mirror

Another Labor Day weekend come and gone. Have you the noticed days are just a tad shorter? Kids are back to school, there is more traffic on the commute. Starbucks has released the pumpkin spiced everything already. I bet you blinked - and are now wondering where it all went.

Soon the leaves will turn then fall from the trees as ghosts and goblins excitedly run from door to door yelling trick or treat and squealing at what they receive. Before you know it the family talk of whos bringing what to Thanksgiving will start. Then at Thanksgiving, the dinner conversation will generally head in the direction of "What do you need/want for Christmas?

Slow down take a breath and remember why you do what you do. Don't get so busy creating this life that you forget to have a life.  Before you know it everything is different, the kids are grown, nothing looks how it did and you swear all you did is close your eyes for a second.

Wait - Where did August Go??

I can't beleive its August 22nd already.  There is exactly 1 month of Summer left.. WHAT???

So what have you been up to this Summer?  I've been doing a bit of everything and have been all over.  I just came back from KC - my little ladybug just turned two and her mama 27. Good grief they all just need to slow down.  Little man just turned 6 in May. I swear do NOT blink people - it flies.

After 15 years my trusty Mazda had given all she had to me and I had a retire her.  That was a bittersweet day. It was time but still - that car had taken my daughter all over. Orchestra rehearsals, competitions, a few okay a lot of road trips. I even brought her and little man home from the hospital in my Zoomy after he was born. Truth be told, she was showing her age bad and now with me living in St Louis, I was getting more and more concerned about getting around safely. I have a 2-hour daily commute that she was having issues keeping up with.

For a long time now I have wanted a smaller SUV - especially with driving in the winters so I test drove and fell in love with a Jeep Compass Latitude 4x4 - so I brought her home. This past weekend I took the Jeep on our first road trip when I went back to KC for the weekend. Oh my - the difference was amazing. When you drive something every day you get very used to certain things and you no longer notice how rough the drive is or how sore you are because the seats have been beyond broken in.  My trip this time was much more comfortable and pleasant. It's still a long borning drive but at least now I float down the road!

Next weekend is our annual girls weekend - though its been a few years since I have been able to get to it. I am this year. So I will be headed to the farm for the "Bitches Labor Day" party. I am looking forward to just hanging out with my tribe and catching up. Moonshine has been made and all formal plans canceled!!!  

What is everyone else up to? Any major blowouts to end Summer? 

Weekending and Stuffs

I had an amazing weekend - it was one of those I could use another weekend to recover from the weekend type weekend. I m so freaking tired today.

Saturday was a good friends birthday and we celebrated by going to a winery in Columbia MO that overlooks the Mississippi river.   This place was gorgeous and the weather amazing. We opted to eat there on the property.

The food and wine were amazing. I may have brought home a bottle that tastes like a lemon bar.  I have been good however and it has not been uncorked - YET.


Sunday was just a chill but get a few errands done type of day - It rained off and on all day.  The thermostat and a radiator hose on my can needed changed out, so that got done. It will be nice not to have to deal with the car overheating and all the coolant leaking out.  Unfortunately, the handwriting is on the wall and I need to start looking for a new car - my poor ol girl is tired.  She's been a wonderful car - I have had her since 2003.

Sunday was also the start of the prep for "bitches labor day weekend" it hass been a few years since we have had one so we are all getting together at the farm this year.  The prep into the homemade moonshine has started. Thus far there is some lemon drop and green apple that is mixed up and in jars to mellow.  In a few weeks, the peach cobbler will be made. Right now they are pretty in your face - I am hoping they simmer down.

How was your weekend??

Just Finished - Mother, Mother - Koren Zailckas

Ever have a book that once you finish it you have no idea what to read next because nothing sounds good after the world you just finished.  Yeah, that is this book.

Part way through this book, if you have not experienced a nassarcistic personality much less have one for a parent you will scratch your head and think nawwwww, but yes they can be and have been this over the top.

This was a difficult read for me, for personal reasons. The story its self is riveting and Koren did a masterful job bringing everything to life. I am hoping to see a part two of the story to see how the Hurst Children cope with life after surviving Josephine.

When you have a few hours one afternoon this is perfect. I will say block after the day - stopping and restarting will just frustrate you - this is a stay until its done story.

Currently

Currently, I am...


Reading ......    Lies by T.M. Logan - So far so good - more on that in another blog as it is one I am reviewing for Netgally.


Listening to R.I.P by Olivia O'Brien on repeat.


Looking for something new to binge watch on Netflix. I got caught up on Orange is the New Black and am waiting for the next season to drop in a few weeks.


I saw Solo last weekend - loved it and thinking about going to see it again..



This weekend I am headed back to the farm for a late 4th of July party and graduation party. I have a few details - but the grad is headed to college studying robotics engineering  - for which he and the teams placed in the national comps.. All I can say is it will be epic!  A trebuchet has been built  - and since it is out in the middle of nowhere - there have been professional grade fireworks purchased.



What are you currently up to??

Rest Easy Kate

Today is the funeral service for Kate in her hometown, Kansas City - Rest Easy Kate.. I hope the peace that alluded you in life you have now found.

Do the Things...

I have issues with anxiety - I work hard every day to overcome those issues. It's very easy for me to crawl into my cave and just stay in my bubble. In efforts to NOT become the scary hermit lady with 500 cats. I joined a couple of social groups. The first meetup I RSVP-ed to is coming up this weekend. I am meeting the group to go see Deadpool 2.

Then I RSVP-ed to a tapas and theatre crawl even for the end of the month. Honestly, I both excited and nervous. I am that painfully awkward girl that manages to say the wrong thing and be a huge geek.. Think Daria on the MTV, and if you don't know who Daria is .. well go now - Google and watch then come back...  I know none of this fits into the I up and moved to a new city where I know 1 person and started a new adventure. What can I say I'm simple like quantum physics. *Shrug*

Saturday night I got restless and grabbed my phone and a bottle of water and just drove around my neighborhood. It was a warm drive - window open AC off but it was pleasant and for the most part I didn't have to ask Google where the hell I was. That right there is a huge - I am so directionally challenged it is unbelievable. Sunday I pretty much hung around the complex - but did strike up a conversation with a guy in the laundry room instead of keeping my head down and praying not to be noticed.

Pretty big accomplishments honestly.. and so is admitting this stuff, instead of acting like I have it all together.

Here's to doing the things....

Choices and Life Paths

I know everyone has seen this quote..

It's honestly an amazing quote. Change is always scary but it is honestly the ONLY thing you can count on. Things will always be changing.  you will constantly have to choose things. generally, its do you want your latte hot or cold that day. Sometimes, though it will be a huge life change that you either have to make or continue to drone on in your same existence.

Think about it if you continue to choose the safe option you'll never experience much. Your life experiences are limited and nothing special happens. Sure, your life may be easier but will you learn anything, will you really live?  I can not believe we are here to simply pay bills and die. That is an existence, not a life. That is settling not choosing a life.  It's been said that the biggest regrets people have are what they didn't do, not what they did do in life.

A friend of mine said to me recently, if you are standing on the edge you are taking up to much space. For those of us jumping off cliffs, enjoy the journey. Those who cling to the edge, to what they know, the safe zone - when you're ready - the rest of us have the parachute and will meet you after the jump.

Life starts at the end of your comfort zone.

Just Wednesday

Squirrels on the Road of Life

Someone said this to me once - and I did make a decision, and ended up as a flat squirrel anyway.  What I am going to tell you is listen to your instincts and choose from there. To many of us ignore those gut feelings or are told its just anxiety. No, frankly sometimes it really is your instinct that is trying like hell to warn you.

Listen to your inner voice - I don't mean that "this is new and I'm scared" feeling but that deep down feeling. The one that is in all of us for a reason. The one that is screaming at you to stop, recalculate and then decide.  Sometimes that those feelings are there to save you.  The further you are away from your true voice the more confusing it is to heed the innate advice your inner self is trying to give you. This can be compounded if you have issues with anxiety.

It really is ok to stop, and just breathe. Find your voice, your true voice not the voice of everyone else telling you what you should do, what you should think. At the end of it all it is you that has to live in the choice you made, if needed take your time making that choice. I promise - you can just breathe.

Perhaps Charlotte was Right..

Maybe your Girlfriends are your soulmates.. Maybe it's better that way. Generally, your girlfriends are there through it all. Yeah, there are exceptions I get that but that's the exception, not the rule.  Look back - think about all the big deal thing you have gone through, now look at whos next to you. 90% of the time it is your closest girlfriends. Cheering you on or holding you up and wiping your tears.

Honestly, its been my girlfriends who have picked me up on my darkest hours, made sure I was okay and just sat with me when I cried so hard I didn't think I would ever produce another tear. It wasn't the man who said he had my back, that he was ride or die with me. It was my tribe who made sure I was breathing and continues to do so. They don't come and go they are a constant presence. Looking back I can honestly say very few of my girlfriends have ever shattered my heart, guys on the other hand....

So maybe just maybe your girlfriends as your soulmates isn't such a bad idea after all..

* Side note ever Sex in the City fan knows it was not Carrie who said this - it was Charlotte.

Woody Allen Really... Sit down, Shut Up

You, sir, are NOT the poster boy for the #MeToo movement - just because the woman you sexually assaulted is not an actress who worked in one of your movies does NOT mean you are not innocent. You sexually assaulted your own daughter and married another daughter.

You simply opening your mouth about #MeToo and trying to make it about you, reinforces the that the male population thinks everything is about them.  The only way this is about you is that you join the ranks of other men thinking they can do whatever they like to a female - simply because they desire to.  The ONLY thing you are a poster boy for is some rich guy with power taking advantage of a female because he can.. Your spot on a poster is a spot with Bill Cosby, taken from inside a jail cell.

The only metoo you add to the movement is I'm sorry I too thought I could get away with being part of sexually assaulting whomever I choose because I am rich and can buy my way out of anything.  I too thought I could intimidate and take whatever I wanted. I too am a nasty old man who subscribes to the "grab them by the pussy" way of thinking.

Sit down and shut up - preferably by Bill Cosby and Harvey Weinstein in a jail cell to rot. #TimesUP

Wednesday's Words

I loved you fiercely - I can not control that you settled for a mundane existence. Enjoy that.