Your Inner Voice - Silence it or let be Heard?

I saw a quote on Pintrest the other day that I read then dismissed - so much so that I can't even find it now for this post.. Opps. I maybe should have saved it because it has been poking my grey matter for 3 days now.

It said something to the effect of stop silencing your inner voice, because that's who you truly are.  Uh okay - if that is true why is it when I tried to Google that I get 5,320,000 results on HOW to shut your inner voice/critic the hell up? Frankly my inner voice/critic is my dad's voice and I do wish he'd shut up. I know I have blog posts up about missing him, and I do he was my dad, but the damage he inflicted upon me my entire life is still there.

Its in the voice that tells me I can't do something, or I am an idiot for trying. Its the voice in my head that says you look horrible in that, or you are to fat to wear that. Its the voice that says how dare you be bold who do you think you are. Its the voice that says other people are staring at you like a freak for your nose ring and your tattoos.  It is the voice that has manifested an anxiety disorder. A fear of doing anything risky.

So yeah I kinda want that voice to shut the fuck up. That isn't me, that is a man who, frankly is abusing his young daughter. A man who's wife makes excuses to her daughter that its just what he knows. He was raised by an abusive man, his mother took off  when he was three yadda yadda.. Yep all true, BUT he had the choice to break the mold to be different, yet he didn't and now I have an inner voice that screams louder that my own voice creating self doubt and negativity.

Given the number of results returned by Google I venture to say I am not the only one who's inner voice needs changed.  My hope for the future is kids who's inner voice IS one who is their true self.

Facebook Review Your memories

This hit my facebook feed this morning - Sometimes reviewing your memories is like getting punched all over again..

November 3, 2009 at 9:42pm · 

Things I have learned in the past month

I lost my dad September 27, 2009. We knew it was coming and we knew it would be quickly. It was 4 weeks from when we were told he had end stage liver cancer to the day I held his hand as he took his last ragged breath and passed over.

My dad and I always had a complicated relationship. He was my dad and I loved him, but there were times when he and I just could not see eye to eye on anything - ever. There were things that had been said when I was a teenager that I was still holding on to rather tightly and forgiveness was a word I had no concept of.

Then things got rough for him about 2 weeks into his illness. The cancer spread quick and fast. It was now in his pancreas and all the lymph nodes under his arms. The things I was holding on to for dear life were no longer important. My daddy was quickly dying in front of my very eyes.

I came to realize that some of the harsh things he had spoken to me as a young teen mother were not because he didn't have faith in me or believe in me, it was simply his way of pushing me along. Years of practice had taught him that as soon as you told me I couldn't achieve something I did simply to say "your wrong - see i did it".

That realization hit me as I looked down at my father in a casket and the tears and the anger flowed freely. Yes anger, I was and am pissed at the world because he is gone - My daddy was supposed to always be there - he wasn't supposed to leave. All daddies are supposed to always be there. I know thats not a fair statement - but ask me if I care, ask any daughter if they care - thats just how its supposed to be!

I also realized that some of the wrong decision he had made at certain times in my life - designed purely to be life lessons and his way of making me even more self reliant he was sorry for when they turned out to be the very worst possible time to try to employ this line of thinking, he strove to fix them. My stubbornness only saw the "being dropped on my ass, and even worse things happening" so I sat out to be angry about that. I didn't see that at the time, only the horrible situation I had been left in and helped too late. Daddy I'm sorry.

I feel privileged that at the end I was who my dad asked for, and frequently. I went every single time. I hugged him, I kissed his head I told him I loved him as much as possible. I helped him drink water when he was to weak to get the cup. I feel blessed that I was the one he asked help from. Even though I know it took some of his pride.

One night at 4:30 in the morning I received a call that I need to come quickly my dad had fallen and mom was unable to get him up on her own. I know as a man and a father that was simply horrible for him. I know it took my breath away to see my once strong and vibrant father on the floor and unable to move.

At one point during this journey, I asked my best friend of 20 years "how do you say goodbye to a man who was always larger than life?" His answer came quickly - "you kiss him goodbye and remember him how he was."

So on Sunday, September 27 when I stopped by my parents house and we knew it was our last day. I held his hand and spoke to him, he was unconscious but hospice assured us he knew we were there and could hear. I kissed him told him that I always loved him and would forever more and that it was ok to follow the Angel, I didn't want him to hurt. I stroked his hand and stood there, remembering the man who fixed my broken toys, kissed my boo-boos and even grounded me for my own good.

He took his last breath and went peacefully with the Angel at 3:45 pm, he was always so punctual. I stood there for a long time and remembered the man he had always been....

Happy Birthday Dad

Sure miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what you would think about things in the world.  How you would get along with your great grandson.  He sure does loves trains. I'm betting that is your doing. He has all your old train pictures.

Mya is still finding her way. Hopefully she gets on the right path soon..

Mom's doing okay. She is getting ready to head to California for a 3 week vacation the end of March..

I hope where ever you are today is a good day.....

Its Wednesday???

I have lost the entire beginning of this week being sick. I woke up this morning to it being Wednesday and wondering where the hell the days went. I have been down and out for the count since Sunday.  I am now feeling better, but tired as hell. I needed a nap by the time I got to the office this morning!  Last week I ended up with pink eye.. I swear I am getting a bubble suit.

On the upside - I really don't eat when I am sick so there went 4 pounds!! Downside, I'm exhausted and it shows. Today is a struggle to just keep my eyes opened. Plus I have this wonderful cough that sounds like I'm a life long coal miner and my nose in now peeling after going through a box of Kleenex in just 24 hours..

Before I caught the martian death cold I had gotten some packing started. The donation pile is up to a trash bag and a few items in a box. I have not yet hit my closet yet so the pile will grow.  I also have a metric shit ton of kitchen items that need purged.  I'd really love to toss it ALL out and start over, but that is not feasible so.... However I do have a list of shit that is getting replaced starting with the couch!  The cat has -ahem - modified the upholstery on one leg.. The fabric/unfinished wood look isn't my thing! :-)  

I will say in packing things up I have come across one of the only cards my dad gave me on his own, instead of the traditional mom buys a card for the occasion and signs it from both parents type of card. It is also one of the only times he ever wrote something more than "Love Dad" on anything. I have decided once the move is over and things are settled. I am taking that card to the tattoo shop and that is what is going on my wrist. I love that it will be something he wrote and in HIS hand writing.

That is the kinda stuff I do love finding when going through things. Tax returns from 15 years ago, not so much, a sappy love letter from when you started dating your spouse? Totally!  Unfortunately, more of what I have found so far hit the tax returns of 15 years ago category. My "to shred" pile is HUGE.  I have to go opt out of the pre-screened credit card offers and save a tree or fifteen!

I am trying to view all this as early Spring cleaning! Heads phones in, music on and dancing while I toss, shred and pack!

Memorial Day

Miss you Dad.