Thursday, October 08, 2015

A Light Bulb Moment

Remember this scene from Erin Brokovich were Ed fires her:

Ed Masry: [explaining his reason for removing Erin from his office] Now, look Erin, this incident aside, I don't think this is the right place for you. So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on your behalf; find you something else, okay?
Erin Brockovich: [angrily] Don't bother!
Ed Masry: Come on! I'm trying to help here...
Erin Brockovich: BULLTSHIT! YOU'RE TRYING TO FEEL LESS GUILTY ABOUT FIRING SOMEONE WITH THREE KIDS TO FEED! WELL, FUCK IF I'LL HELP YOU DO THAT!
[Erin storms out of his office]


I was in the middle of a conversation last night with my Twin when she stopped me and said, you realize that you spend a lot of your time down playing how you feel about things so people won't feel bad that they did something wrong to you or hurt your feelings??

My entire life I have done that, I have done it to avoid conflict, I have done it to resolve a situation as soon as possible so that everyone involved can get back to being happy and over what ever it was that happened. I then go deal with my issues alone in private. I have been conditioned to insure that everyone is as happy and comfortable as possible, even at the cost of my own well being.  A "skill" taught to me as a young child as I was made "in charge" of happiness and well being - for everyone else.

 Well fuck if I'll help you do that anymore. I have spent most of my life being the "fixer" and never looking at the price tag to my personal well being. Its not my job to look the other way so that everyone else's happiness is maintained and my own is hanging in the breeze.  I refuse to ignore my own needs anymore. I get that will be breaking a pattern that was established at a very early age which is bound to ruffle more than a few feathers.

I'm honestly just looking to not be everyone's fixer anymore, I don't want to break anyone in that process but I need to stop being the sacrifice so that everyone is comfortable.


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