I've written this a thousand times in my head. I just can't seem to get it into black and white very well. Hundreds of pictures flood my mind, millions of words and memories all of it like a jumbled picture reel shown as credits at the end of a movie.
I'll never forget the day you left, it was on a Sunday, which always makes me think of the poem Tell Me on a Sunday. Why Sunday makes it better I'll never understand. Sunday, Monday whatever it all sucked. Never the less it was Sunday at 3:45 pm on the dot. Leave it to a life long military man to depart at an exact time. Couldn't be 3:43 or 3:47 but right on the fricken dot. Always so precise.
Holding your hand as you shuddered your last breath. Remembering so much, wishing so much. I remember thinking this can't be it but it was. Day's went by in a blur and I wondered if you ever knew that I actually spent so much time searching, striving for your approval instead of harsh words. That I always wondered how I went from being daddy's girl to the girl who got all your criticism. Some day's I did know that you cared that you loved me, like my wedding day, I will always cherish our dance. Other day's I wonder where I went so wrong what I did what I didn't do that was so wrong.
I get it now, you had no role model, your own upbringing so harsh so demanding. Some days it doesn't matter other days it does - still stings. Some days I am ok others I miss you more than words can even express others still I am so incredibly angry at you for leaving. Leaving me to deal with all the loose ends, the mother who now seems to not be able to deal with anything on her own.
Mostly I hope you are at peace, out of pain and you have figured out you did matter..