Friday, April 22, 2016

Getting Through This Thing Called Life

I am honestly stunned at yesterday's news. It was not a headline I expected to hear anytime soon in regards to Prince. I know no one did. In reality there are people who you hear have passed and you think, hmm that's sad but not unexpected.  Hearing Prince died was a "wait, what the hell did I see/hear" moment. Followed up with a its gotta be an internet hoax. 

Then the big news stations started carrying the story and for the first time a decade MTV went back to doing what they did best playing music videos. Monuments everywhere lit up purple and a rainbow appeared over Paisley Park.

This video is beyond awesome - its the first time Purple Rain was ever play publicly, it has extra verses and a longer into than was ever on the album.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Dude Wheres My Blog Post....

Wednesday confessions...

I have another hair appointment Saturday - I got fed up and the hair has numbered days.. it shall sleep with the fishes..

I have hit the itchy stage of tattoo healing.... ugh the worst.

I got Raz's ashes back yesterday and had a total meltdown... I seriously miss my kitty. This is the first time in my life there has not been a furbaby in my house.  I am still walking up in the mornings and my first though is careful not to step on the cat....  Not handling this well at all.

I have tickets to the Mackelmoore and Ryan Lewis concert in June.. I CAN NOT wait.

I bought a ring sized for my middle finger .... it says fuck. I can't wait for it to ship..

I joined a virtual race solely based on the finishers medal... Tell me that's not bad ass.. Just 17 more miles to go and its MINE.

More Coffee Less Talky

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Sunday, April 10, 2016

Odds, Ends and Broken Hearts (Updates)

Every time I go to get back in to the swing of blogging something happens and I get sidelined. Work has been intense and ever changing.

The fitness challenge I was in on Facebook ended March 31st.  We came in second.  I'll take it, especially since 1st went to two professional trainers. This happened the last week of the challenge..

I also went back to my stacked bob hair style - not much length came off but enough to make a huge difference with the sheer volume and texture of my hair. Pictures really don't do that pink justice its so vibrant in person.

Wednesday I lost my big guy. 5 years and two days after I lost Angel. I'm not doing really well with it. I had him for 15 years. He followed me around everywhere in typical maincoon fashion I was his person. He would be by my feet in the mornings to escort me to the bathroom and lay at my feet while I did my makeup and hair.  Then he would follow me to the door when I left for work and be waiting for me there when I got home each night.  At the end he laid in my arms purring and patting my face.  I miss my buddy so much.

Saturday I went and got new ink.. Ironic that a tattoo that says breathe in Tibetan script was a complete exercise in patience to get.  Saturdays are tattoo walk in days so your advised to get there early and stand in line. I did was that at 10:30 shop opens at noon. I was 5th in the line and still didn't get in until 3. I had to leave to go eat again since breakfast had long since left me as well as my protein bar.

 My artist's first tattoo of the day proved to be a first timer who was difficult to ink. 4.5 hour wait, total tattoo time 33 minutes from start to finish. Then I spent 2 hours at 3 stores trying to find antibacterial soap with NO fragrance in it... No such thing exists. Gold Dial now has fragrance.

Finally just got the gold dial after calling the tattoo shop to confirm that was still the best for aftercare. 

Its a strange angle to take a picture of its a vertical tattoo so its read from the top down to the wrist and not left to right.
Saturday was a long day. We picked up the newest Street Fighter so once I finally got home we attempted to start playing only to discover there are an hour of updates to the game already.. Downloaded those and watched The Blind Spot.  At 10 pm I decided I did not want to go anywhere the next day so we go up and his Walmart to grocery shop.

I plan to do not much of a damn thing today... I just want to decompress and get ready for next week.

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Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Wednesday Confessions on a Deeper Level

A friend of mine posted this on Facebook a few weeks back - and it resonated with me.

Then this morning I read an article on elephant journal titled The Secret Language of Narcissists: How Abusers Manipulate their Victims.

I've always had a really rough relationship with my mother that exploded when I was a teenager. I am supposed to be getting together with her this weekend for my birthday.  Ever since that phone call, which was the first contact in a almost 2 months after I attempted to put some boundaries in place that pissed her off and she got nasty and hung up on me, my anxiety has been mounting.

I truly don't want to see her. I will because well social convention and all.  Its also simply easier to stuff my own anxiety and comfortableness than deal with the emotional blackmail and bullshit she will pull if I don't. Which most often includes calling family members to cry about how I hurt her feelings and hate her. Up to and including my mother in law.

People really don't for the most part get who she really is and the games she plays.  I get told a LOT you should call your mom, shes your MOM  the only mom you'll ever get and one day you won't have her. Then how will you feel.  Uh to be blunt just like I do right fucking now.  Hurt, pissed and abandoned, upset that it could never be anything other than what it is - which is a truly dysfunctional relationship of which no one can even imagine the depths of fuckedupness it possesses.  If they could I'd never get chastised for attempting to set boundaries and breaking off contact. 

This woman has lied to me my entire life about almost everything big shit - like who my biological father was, little shit like if jewelry that was a gift was real. Who's telling her hey do better try harder that's your daughter.. not a damn person.  In the mean time she's running around trash talking to anyone who will listen and re-writing history to suit her.  Anything I have accomplished she has attempted to take credit for, anything bad she either contributed to or decided I did it to spite her.  Like being pregnant at 17, she looked at me and said you did this to me on purpose. Yeah my jaw is still on the floor over that.

Over the years she has both attempted to take all credit for any success and or belittle anything I have done. Everything I have everything I am was in spite of her. My successes are not hers. At one point when asked by an acquaintance what her daughters did my mother ran through one is a CPA and owns her own business, one is an executive at a major corporation, one is no longer able to work due to lupus and this one (pointing to me) talks on the phone all day.  My "talking on the phone all day" translated to working electronic surveillance assisting law enforcement for one of the 4 major cell phone companies. Today if you ask her what I do her answer will also make it sound like I do very little if anything at all, truth of the matter I actually work in the Tech Industry as an executive. She defines it as playing computer games all day. 

Yes I roll my eyes all the cliche sayings about mothers and how you should call them often because you're the only one who knows what her heart sounds like from the inside (insert vomit noise here) and once they are gone you will miss them.  Yes my brain shuts down when you start telling me what I should do and what my responsibilities are as a daughter. You don't know, please stop adding to the guilt I have lived with my entire life because of my mother.  She's the best at guilt trips and I have been on many. One day I hope to unpack the baggage from them all.  Assisting her on sending me on another one does not help.

Well meaning people who are clueless at the damage done and the abuse suffered urge contact and turning the other cheek. Honestly what you are asking is that I ignore me and my boundaries stuff my anxiety in able to ignore me and pretend. You are telling me that her needs and wants are more important than my own which buys into her mind set and fuels her.  No thanks, frankly I think I will just go apologize to my own daughter for not being a better mother simply because I didn't know how to be one. 

More Coffee Less Talky
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Wednesday, March 02, 2016

Wednesday Confessions

Yay March is here!!! Closer to Spring.  Love warmer weather.

We are on day 17 of the fitness challenge, I've had a couple of hiccups in terms of working out.  Two weekends ago my daughter was in the hospital and then Monday I did something to my foot.  I am finding it easier to get up at 4:30 am to workout than wait until after work.  By the time I am done with work I am DONE.

The scale is moving downward and I need to replace some clothes again.

My Pinterest board looks like I live at the gym and am addicted to lemon and coconut desserts.. OOPS

I am contemplating chopping my hair off again. Looking at wavy bobs.

I pierced my tragus.

Its getting harder and harder to wear dress shoes - hell even Victoria Beckham is wearing sneakers with dress pants..  and at NYFW no less. So there.

I have my next tattoo planned for this Summer. Honestly and the one after that one too!

I totally went to the zoo Sunday just because it was Starwars day.

I have a lot of heavy stuff that is floating around in my head I am debating on blogging about it just to get it out.

Anxiety issues suck ass..

More Coffee Less Talky

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Wednesday, February 24, 2016

No Mud, No Lotus

Right now I am trying really hard to remember this teaching. Things are difficult to say the least, with a lot going on, so currently my mantra is no mud no lotus. Its a basic reminder that you have to embrace your pain and suffering to learn from it to grow and to come out the other side transformed.

Frankly, through the years there has been a metric shit ton of mud - I am ready for the lotus. A little more sunlight a little less struggle.   Maybe I just need a little more peace and strength to deal with a difficult life. Honestly there is only so much you against the world one person can take.

I know breathe, one foot in front of the other - No Mud No Lotus..

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Monday, February 15, 2016

Life These Days - Random updates

Right after I decided to go back to school at night and contacted the schools I was interested in my chronic fatigue disease kicked in. Frankly I spend a crap ton of time trying to NOT fall asleep.  So I have put that on hold for the time being.  I will look back into it come this Summer semester. Working 60 - 70 hours a week then going to class 3 nights a week and all day Saturday is just a recipe for disaster right now.

I did join a new facebook fitness challenge - strangely enough getting more exercise helps chronic fatigue. It runs from today until March 31st.  After that I will see how I am doing and feeling then perhaps join the 2nd wave as well.

This past weekend I did finally replace my running shoes. I got a very loud pair of Brooks Runners - they are awesome. The louder the running shoe the better.

This picture does not do them justice - they are hot pink and blue with lime accents

I also had plans last Saturday to get a daith piercing in hopes of helping my headaches.  I found out my ears are way to tiny to attempt that piercing so I left with a tragus piercing.  Everything was all good - get ready for bed that night and just the suddenly remember I cant sleep without ear plugs... HA that has been interesting.  

Hell froze over, I broke down and purchased Justin Biebers new CD.. Its actually a really good cd.. Who knew?

I think the biggest news I have gotten lately is I am gonna be a Noni again.. Newest grandbaby is due August 25th!!!  I'm pretty sure its a girl... I'm pretty sure my bank account is crying! 

Whats new with y'all?? 

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