Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Wednesday Confessions

Thrilled to see the linkup running again

More Coffee Less Talky

I can't wait to see Mockingjay part 2 and Starwars

I haven't been blogging very much because honestly whats been going on is a shit ton of drama and who wants to read that.

I am not looking forward to the Holidays this year because of the aforementioned metric shit ton of drama.

I'm sick of hearing people bitch about this years Holiday cup at Starbucks - for fucks sake people its a damn cup as long as my coffees in it I don't care. News flash not everyone's a *gasp, clutch your peals* Christian!

If Donald Trumps elected I'm seriously considering a 4 year visa to Canada.

I CAN NOT wait until Alice in Wonderland 2: Through the Looking Glass comes out. This is my FAVORITE "fairy-tail" though I must confess its not the traditional story that I love its the dark telling.  I adore twisted fairy tails.

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Tuesday, November 03, 2015

Facebook Review Your memories

This hit my facebook feed this morning - Sometimes reviewing your memories is like getting punched all over again..

I lost my dad September 27, 2009. We knew it was coming and we knew it would be quickly. It was 4 weeks from when we were told he had end stage liver cancer to the day I held his hand as he took his last ragged breath and passed over.

My dad and I always had a complicated relationship. He was my dad and I loved him, but there were times when he and I just could not see eye to eye on anything - ever. There were things that had been said when I was a teenager that I was still holding on to rather tightly and forgiveness was a word I had no concept of.

Then things got rough for him about 2 weeks into his illness. The cancer spread quick and fast. It was now in his pancreas and all the lymph nodes under his arms. The things I was holding on to for dear life were no longer important. My daddy was quickly dying in front of my very eyes.

I came to realize that some of the harsh things he had spoken to me as a young teen mother were not because he didn't have faith in me or believe in me, it was simply his way of pushing me along. Years of practice had taught him that as soon as you told me I couldn't achieve something I did simply to say "your wrong - see i did it".

That realization hit me as I looked down at my father in a casket and the tears and the anger flowed freely. Yes anger, I was and am pissed at the world because he is gone - My daddy was supposed to always be there - he wasn't supposed to leave. All daddies are supposed to always be there. I know thats not a fair statement - but ask me if I care, ask any daughter if they care - thats just how its supposed to be!

I also realized that some of the wrong decision he had made at certain times in my life - designed purely to be life lessons and his way of making me even more self reliant he was sorry for when they turned out to be the very worst possible time to try to employ this line of thinking, he strove to fix them. My stubbornness only saw the "being dropped on my ass, and even worse things happening" so I sat out to be angry about that. I didn't see that at the time, only the horrible situation I had been left in and helped too late. Daddy I'm sorry.

I feel privileged that at the end I was who my dad asked for, and frequently. I went every single time. I hugged him, I kissed his head I told him I loved him as much as possible. I helped him drink water when he was to weak to get the cup. I feel blessed that I was the one he asked help from. Even though I know it took some of his pride.

One night at 4:30 in the morning I received a call that I need to come quickly my dad had fallen and mom was unable to get him up on her own. I know as a man and a father that was simply horrible for him. I know it took my breath away to see my once strong and vibrant father on the floor and unable to move.

At one point during this journey, I asked my best friend of 20 years "how do you say goodbye to a man who was always larger than life?" His answer came quickly - "you kiss him goodbye and remember him how he was."

So on Sunday, September 27 when I stopped by my parents house and we knew it was our last day. I held his hand and spoke to him, he was unconscious but hospice assured us he knew we were there and could hear. I kissed him told him that I always loved him and would forever more and that it was ok to follow the Angel, I didn't want him to hurt. I stroked his hand and stood there, remembering the man who fixed my broken toys, kissed my boo-boos and even grounded me for my own good.

He took his last breath and went peacefully with the Angel at 3:45 pm, he was always so punctual. I stood there for a long time and remembered the man he had always been....

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Friday, October 09, 2015

Friday Favorites

Thank goodness for a few laughs this week.

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Thursday, October 08, 2015

A Light Bulb Moment

Remember this scene from Erin Brokovich were Ed fires her:

Ed Masry: [explaining his reason for removing Erin from his office] Now, look Erin, this incident aside, I don't think this is the right place for you. So what I'm gonna do is make a few calls on your behalf; find you something else, okay?
Erin Brockovich: [angrily] Don't bother!
Ed Masry: Come on! I'm trying to help here...
[Erin storms out of his office]

I was in the middle of a conversation last night with my Twin when she stopped me and said, you realize that you spend a lot of your time down playing how you feel about things so people won't feel bad that they did something wrong to you or hurt your feelings??

My entire life I have done that, I have done it to avoid conflict, I have done it to resolve a situation as soon as possible so that everyone involved can get back to being happy and over what ever it was that happened. I then go deal with my issues alone in private. I have been conditioned to insure that everyone is as happy and comfortable as possible, even at the cost of my own well being.  A "skill" taught to me as a young child as I was made "in charge" of happiness and well being - for everyone else.

 Well fuck if I'll help you do that anymore. I have spent most of my life being the "fixer" and never looking at the price tag to my personal well being. Its not my job to look the other way so that everyone else's happiness is maintained and my own is hanging in the breeze.  I refuse to ignore my own needs anymore. I get that will be breaking a pattern that was established at a very early age which is bound to ruffle more than a few feathers.

I'm honestly just looking to not be everyone's fixer anymore, I don't want to break anyone in that process but I need to stop being the sacrifice so that everyone is comfortable.

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Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Wednesday Confessions

Monday was beyond stressful - so much so that I took it to the treadmill and hoped I wouldn't have to quit because of my back. For the first time in more than a year I didn't have to stop in the first 5 minutes.

SO close to 10K steps ... Toward the end though my legs were like bitch please what the hell do you think you are doing.

Next weekend I have tickets to Wicked I can't wait.

I was glad The Voice started back up - my absolute fave audition is this one. I've watched it several times now.

I'm sick of hearing about Donald Trump.

Facebook news feeds are giving me the heebie jeebies. I don't really want to read about BK giving people green shit or the details on decapitated babies. Sanctimonious shit people post are also raising my blood pressure. Shit dude if you are gonna lie block the people who know the truth first.

I soaked off my acrylic overlays and cut my nails down last night - this is taking some getting used to.

As much as I really really wanted to get into Kurt Sutter's new series I just can't. I think I will start SOA over on Netflix.  I also had to stop watching Frankie and Grace - it started to remind me of aging high schoolers.

I ordered this tank top - its become my favorite!

Happy Wednesday!

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Monday, October 05, 2015

So I am not a Monday Person - but I'm Trying

I know lots of us are not. I get it. I decided however to not dread the fact its Monday. I am finding humor in Monday. Like today, I legit laughed out loud when I received an email from a client which included this pic..

Nope, she wasn't mad at me just at a situation. I think I laughed for a good 5 minutes on this. 

Saw this on my Facebook feed this morning. Love it 

We took Little Man to the park Saturday - I took this picture there.

I'm honestly trying to be more positive about things in general, and hating a day just because its Monday isn't conductive to that. When you get right down to it Monday really didn't do you wrong, its really just another day of the week. 

We'd ALL be more pleasant if we sought out the good in the situation. Even just a tiny speck of good in ever bad situation will at least give a glimmer of hope.  Which, even at the bottom of Pandora's box was hope.

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